You are going to be a dad!

Yep…

Im going to be a father. We found out about a month ago.

i don’t know how to feel about it but I guess I’m exited. Very exited. This kid is going to have a fucked up father though. I mean, there is about 23 of us now. Two new additions, me and “nick”. It’s kinda weird to think about. I am no longer living with my girlfriend. We’re still together but decided that we should stay apart for a while to sort some things out. We are constantly afraid now, that she’ll leave for good. That would mean that we would follow the same path as our dad, which is not something we are very keen on to be honest.

we just wanna do better than he did. To be there, and we are afraid that won’t work if we aren’t with her.

Shit just got complicated.

Oliver.

The Insatiable Rage Beast

No, I am not referring to myself.

midnight snacks, strange craving, unexplained rage fits and sudden crying, yup you guessed it.

I’m pregnant !…. Or she is at least. On the 19th last week we found out the we are going to be a father. We were at school hoping our angel wasn’t dying or anything, her breasts had been hurting, she’d had unexplained pains and discomfort for at least a few weeks. So she sent us this…

IMG_9685

We just froze. Closed our laptop and walked out, calm as the eye of a hurricane. When we got out of the building, we finally realized just how much we needed fresh air. I’M GOING TO BE A DAD!!! was all that went through our heads, we nearly cried, it was moving…. really.

So yeah, we are becoming a dad. She is beginning to get a bit more exited about it, most of us have been from the moment we heard. But now, i feel myself in a constant circulation of either caretaker, sandwich maker, comforter or an escapee from a german war camp, the need to lay low and not make a sound is urgent, for my testicles and face may very well depend on it. She’ll turn in seconds, from her adorable sweet self, into the insatiable rage monster often associated with pregnancy. It feels as though I am constantly retrieving food for her, and like she goes to the bathroom every 5 minutes… literally, it doesn’t stop. But then I remember why she’s peeing and eating so much, and it doesn’t bother me at all… and then we forget, and shit hits the fan.

She will find any and all reasons to get defensive and yell at you. She wanted to murder someone yesterday because the had a laser, granted I was on the same page but still. She really isn’t prone to violence.

We’ve been bombarded with advise from her mother, and from mine. Her entire family knows, only a handful of people in mine do. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t live close to, or stay in touch with most of your family. And I’m glad for that. It gives me time to process all of this without influence from people I probably shouldn’t listen to in the first place.

Anyways, that’s enough from me.

Until next time.

Ender

A new year

So as usual a new year has come around and not much has changed. None of us, not even our host made any new years resolutions this year.

Why would we, we won’t follow up on them anyways. We never do, I wish we could. It would be nice to follow up on a promise to our selves for once.

But enough of that. We have been having a lot of difficulties in our relationship lately, particularly in the sexual area. Mostly because we have trouble with enthusiasm and turning our partner on properly, maintaining her attention and interest. But today we succeeded in doing that once again. She has also had problems with the fact that she no longer feels love for us, she claims she does ( and we believe her ) but that she doesn’t feel it. Despite all that she stays, why that is I don’t know but I’m trying to help her get through it. We’ve talked to a psychiatrist about it and she believes it is a mental block my partner has put up as a result of her mental problems, this relationship has been exhausting, but the reward is much higher than the cost. We stay because we love her, she doesn’t get it though. She constantly asks why we stay and why we do things for her and the simple answer, the only answer is because we love her.

But anyways, today we got past some of our problems in bed. I seduced her and we finished it was almost perfect. I just wish i could make it last as long as i used to, which was about 1-2 1/2 hours. Now it is about 1/2 an hour, or less. Its not a particularly pressing issue but bothersome none the less because we used to enjoy it enough to make it last that long in the past and i want it back, there is a certain pride in it, an achievement, of course thats not what its all about but it is something I take quite a lot of pleasure in, because it didn’t get boring for either one of us. But now WE have a lot of physical problems when it comes to sex on top of the lasting part. Its painful, not our cock but our side and back. I don’t think its physical, i think its mental and it worries me, a lot.

why can’t things just be simple, i hate this body, its got the looks but we no longer possess the durability and strength we used to. What the fuck is going on, We’re only 19 WTF.

Sometimes I think we are simply not meant to have a partner but I couldn’t bear being without her in our life.

Fuck love, stay in school.

Ego.

Why does she even tolerate me?

Our girlfriend is a weird, stubborn, beautiful, strong and yet fragile little thing.

I love her but she often infuriates me beyond belief, the reason she infuriates me is because I love her and I only want the best for her.

But MOTHERFUCKER ON A FRIDAY is she stubborn!!! She’ll make a decision about going somewhere/ doing something and then POOOOF she cancels, often because of one or more insecurities or because of something we said. That i can deal with, but if we don’t force her to do it anyway she’ll be miserable for the rest of the day.

Today was nice though i guess, I got to spend some time with her and I realized something…

…I have no idea why she likes ME.

At the beginning of this relationship we got off to a very bad start, she would constantly taunt and annoy and tease me until I came out. Which at first made me hate her ( I still hate her a tiny bit, but I love her more ), but then i started to see that she’s here to stay and if she’s willing to stay with us despite me hating her then why not protect that little spark of stability and ( I’m reluctant to admit) joy in our world. She has somehow taken that idea completely out of context and is now convinced that I am her favorite. WHAT? WHY? Why would you think that’s a good idea!!

But as I’ve said, she’s a stubborn little thing and I can’t convince her that I’m not good for her to be around, I’m just too unstable.

Stay away but come closer,

leave me… but stay a little longer.

I’m no good for you but I can dull the pain,

I hate you too much not to love you.

Ender.

i don’t want to be afraid anymore

I am afraid, very afraid.

I always have been. I can’t even remember ever having any other feeling than fright, it’s become who I am. have you ever been afraid. And before you ask, NO arachnophobia does not count. I mean real fear. Being so afraid of even breathing that you start to panic. everything is frightening. even your own reflection starts looking scary, because you don’t understand it. This is your body, your voice, your life. But it isn’t. someone else was here first, I’m NOT the original. I was not meant to be. I am the result of a self defence mechanism gone wrong. Am I even considered human.

I have no past of my own, all I have is snippets of someone else’s life, HIS life. I was never born. I just came to be. Can you even imagine that, how painful it is to never have been born. I can never have a life thats truly mine.

Thats where my fear stems from, thats why I’m aggressive, thats why I hate my own existence and fear my reflection. I’m not seeing myself in the mirror, I’m not hearing MY voice when i speak, I’m hearing and seeing HIM. i am a part of someone else. I am a person of my own, right? I hate this  I  F U C K I N G  H A T E  T H I S. It’s not fair.

my name is Fox. I am not a person, of my own, I am an alter. I should never have existed. so, have you ever been afraid?

Fox.

that special feeling.

i don’t feel like i can fully explain it.

you know that sometimes a movie will put you in a mood. this is kinda like that but stronger. overwhelming.

i watched a movie called “the suicide room”. it’s about the romanticism often associated with suicide. about people meeting up in online chatrooms or what have you, and planning collective suicide. anyway. it left me with a feeling of power. something i am not used to, and it left me extremely horny. seems my hosts partner was feeling the same way so things happened. I’m not bragging, this ( i feel) is vital to my explanation of this feeling. after sex, i felt like i could do anything. i felt aggressive, in control and dominant. being dominant in bed is something i usually do but outside of the bedroom I’m more passive. not this time. this time i felt that way outside of it for about half an hour. it felt good. feeling like you could strike someone down with just a look, i felt confident about the way i look. i felt like the whole world would burn at my feet. i was in control of everything around me, and yet there was something holding me back. self hatred. a reality check soon followed and now…

now i just wanna disappear. i don’t want to be. I’m not suicidal if thats what you’re thinking. just wanna go POOOFFF and not be anymore. simply disappear into nothingness.

a few minutes ago i saw that some of you decided to follow us. don’t expect the next post to make any more sense. we’re not writers and never will be. but if you insist on tagging along. try to keep up.

Ender.

I AM ANGRY.

i don’t even know why anymore. I’ve just always been like this, i may look calm, and feel serene. but deep down i just feel this supreme hatred for all things breathing. they offend me by existing, I’ve been like this for as long as i can remember.

i have everything against everyone. i hate my hosts partner. she’s infuriating. i want to kill/kiss her so fucking bad, thats where it gets complicated. i hate her, but at the same time i care about her a lot. i love her. sure she can bring me to the brink of going to find a kitten and burn it alive just to get back at her, but i know i couldn’t handle seeing her hurt because of me.

when we first met her i told our dear host and glorious steed to just fuck her and be done with it, but NO. we had to get involved. WE DONT NEED ANYONE, or at least we didn’t, until now. she too big a part of our life to get rid of her now, and frankly i wouldn’t want to. she’s become dear to us (most of us), and she’s safe, she represents home for our host now.

goddamn he fell for her quickly. and with no fucking warning.

why. what is it about us that makes her want to stay? btw, she knows about us. she has since before we got together, somehow it didn’t scare her away. she wasn’t sure wether to believe us at first but she does now. we’re not sure why she stayed this long, even after finding out that there might not be any way to get rid of us. she doesn’t really seem to want to. she relies on us, somewhat, for someone to talk to when she can’t talk to the host. or for comfort.

i am going to leave you now.

Ender.